3 – Albert Should Shuttup

” I don’t get you… “
” Look, I’m not a complicated person. I just like to annoy people – It’s how I annoy them that’s complicated “

This page is dedicated to all those those times i sat there going on too far with on point, resulting in people just staring at me and saying something along the lines of ‘Shuttup…’

[Friend] Albert, have you ever noticed that you crossed the line so long ago they drew a new one a hundred metres ahead?
[Me] And i still managed to lean back and piss on it from right here

[Girl] (makes a sex joke)
[Me] Thats not like you… Admit it, you’ve become one of us (holds out hand for a Highfive)
[Girl] No, I’m not gona highfive you
[Me] C’mon. It’s not like high fiving me sells your soul to the devil. Just one of his assistants

(me talking to a guy about what to give him for his birthday)
[Friend] Look, its not like you have to pay a $20 tax for being my friend
[Me] I know, but think of it as interest for being mine

[Friend] How was your holiday?
[Me] Like losing your virginity – Wet and cut short
(PS – Holiday was infact cut short by wet weather)

[Chick] Girls have a lot more pressure on them
[Me] Just do it on top. Pressure lifted
[Chick] That is NOT what i meant!!!!!

[Chick] Cya later alligator
[Chick #2] Don’t forget the toilet paper
[Me] Oh yeah, cos sometimes i just shat myself uncontrollably and think to myself – Damn, wish i had some toilet paper…..

[Chick] You like my friend
[Me] I do? Oh right, cos i poked her in the head. Seriously?
[Chick] (nods) Yeah
[Me] Cos the love just spreads through a painful jab to the head, doesn’t it???
[Chick] But it all -
[Me] (interrupts) Kids, kids: Forget roses and serenades this Valentines, give your girlfriend a painful poke in the head to show your affection.

(I’m on the floor, hands on crotch, clearly in pain)
[Friend] (Laughs) You ok?
[Me] Ok?! I just got roundhouse kicked in the right NUT! Man, now all my kids are gonna be left handed….

[Friend] I heard they changed the bible or something, to fit the whole – the world is 4.5 billions years old, instead of 6000.
[Me] Somehow, i don’t see the pope coming out and saying – Hey guys, we ‘discovered’ a new version of the bible that agrees with science. It’s called  ‘Britannica’

(girls talking about ‘Twilight’)
[Girl] Oh my god, i cant wait to find out what happens at the end of Twilight
[Me and a Friend] It becomes 1am?
[Girl#2] Hey shuttup, its an awesome book

[Adult] You ever watched a movie online?
[Me] Pfft no. I burn DVDs like a normal person…

[Me] Dude you cant possibly be more screwed than you already are
[Friend] Im not screwed now. She just doesnt like me.
[Me] You like her + She doesnt like you = Screwed
[Friend] No screwed is when she wont talk to you
[Me] As far as i see it – the screwed ur talking about is the complete opposite of the dictionary meaning – if your not screwing her – your screwed
[Friend] Dude…shuttup

[Me] You know you belong with us when we pull off shit like this and not lose a moments sleep.

[Chick] Maths test tomorrow
[Me] Effsicles…
[Chick] (massive pause) Oh My God, popsicles HAHAHAHA
[Me] You serious? No shit…

[Friend] What the hell do you say when your sister calls you a cow?
[Me] Just tell her last time you checked you’re last names say shes a cow too. See you at the barn ASSHOLE.

[Chick] So i finally see the inner workings of your mind…
[Me] Workings? Mind? INNER?!
[Chick] And surprisingly, they revolve around attention
[Me] That is NOT true…. How could you possibly find that surprising?

(friend asks dares to me say random shit to people over msn)
[Victim] Umm, Albert you feeling ok?
[Me] Sure I am
[Victim] Okay good
[Me] Ok being the name i give to my penis
[Victim] Omfg… (blocks me)

[Chick] FUCK YOU!!!
[Me] Well i would, but I’m saving my virginity for that special someone
[Chick] WTF LOL

(annoying bitch wont shuttup)
[Me] WHY do you NOT shuttup????
[Annoying bitch] (shrugs) I dunno
[Me] Now thats code for ‘Look at me, I want attention.’ And to that im gonna say, that is the wrong way to get attention. Cos intead of attention, you’re gonna get punched in the face. If you want attention, what you do is you go to the ‘Zoo magazine’ and take a few pictures and there ya go.

[Friend] Can I tell you my opinion without you saying anything?
[Me] You know me well enough to know I always say something. But continue

[Me] Man, your head was so far up your ass, i can say with full confidence that that is not a tan.

[Random] Every morning i think to myself – I’m not gonna do anything stupid today
[Me] Thats funny cos every morining i think to myself – Thank goodness i remembered to wear pants today

[Me] So you wouldnt ask her out?
[Friend] Nah. Not unless i knew i had a chance. Till then id rather stay as friends
(silence)
[Friend] Dude, you there?
[Me] Yeah, just taking in the moment of finally talking to a guy with a brain, not just a dick

[Rndom] Albert your not involved. Go sit in a corner
[Me] I cant – my room is round
[Random] Shuttup – That is NOT funny!!!!

[Me] Dude, youve become a tool. Now everytime she wants something – shes gonna come to you – put on a sad face – and BEG you to tell her whatever the new secret is. And dont say you wont tell her, cos you know you will. You really think you’re gonna be able to say no to her face – and when i say face you know i mean boobs cos i know thats where your gonna be looking the whole time
[Friend] Dude, i wont. I know when im being used
[Me] You say that now…..

[Friend] (recites Dr Cox rants)
[Friend #2] Oi, you got that off Scrubs. Thats a Dr Cox rant
[Me] Man, you cant recite shit off shows in a serious argument
[Friend] I wanna rant. Man its so cool. I wanna rant.
[Me] Hey man. It dont work for you. Black guys get to rap, and whites guys get to rant. Its the way things are.

This post will be freqently updates on the account that i should but never do shuttup

Also, to see quotes from my friends (The Weapons of Mass Stupidity) go to -
‘Thats What WE said’ (www.weaponsofstupidity.wordpress.com/whatwesaid )